SILVER

yesterday there were greens and yellows...
then blues...
then reds...
then blues...
then just black and whites.

now its SILVER!

BIRTHDAY BOY!

night of solitude...

In the farthest side of the endless room

Its almost morning and I cant sleep…

Im searching the net for hours…

Stacked in this corner

With mp3 on…

Just keep on surfing ‘bout anything, ‘bout something

Damn!!!

No perfect match for my research…

No perfect match for my subject…

Im McLonesome..

C’mon, not an issue, not a case at all…

Grrrrrrrr!!!

Lots of faces from the pic folders..

But just faces…

End this insanity…

Now Im McInsane?!!!

Noooooooooooo!

Don’t let me be…

Shoot!!!

Cut!!!

Bleed!!!

Forgive McInsane

He just wanted to be someone’s McDreamy!!!

i respect every scalpel that cut me...

Ode to Scalpel

I faint…

My head aches

Syringe on my side

Syringe on my back

Dextrose

“Don’t eat from 12”

A piece of skin

Syringe on my side

Syringe on my back

“Lie down”

Spotlights

Oxygen

Scalpel

Tears from my eyes

Fears from within

Silent prayers ----

“Wake up”

Blood from my right

Tears from their eyes

“It’s going to be alright”

16 years ago

“It’s ok sweetie”

“It’s going to be alright”

“Scalpel”.

and another repost....

Chastised

I’ll play you Mozart’s

Till my fingers bleed

I’ll build you a castle

Till my body breaks

I’ll paint you sunrise

Till the sun sets

I’ll sing you love songs

Till my voice fades

I’ll breathe you sweet words

Till my last breath

I’ll give you my heart

Till it’s last beat

I’ll let your sunlight blind me

I’ll let your melody deafened me

I’ll let your sweet words mute me

I’ll let your touches numb me

I’ll let them all to burn me

I’ll let them all to drown me

I’ll let them all to wound me

I’ll let them all to cut me

I chastised myself ----

Baptize me.

another repost...

What's in the eye that made me cry?

My eyes are not working well.

They can’t see anyone nor anything but you.

It seems like your picture was posted on my brain.

I had my breakfast as if you’re the one who prepares it.

But reality tells me my plate was empty.

I sat in front of the TV watching as if you’re beside me.

But reality tells me the show was over.

I had my lunch as if you’re with the rest of us.

But reality tells me to pass the ketchup.

I listened to the lines of the song with

“I do know you from the page of my book.”

Still it was you

But confused by the next line

“I should be ready for a fall…”

Is it a fall in love or a fall from my grip on you?

Late that afternoon,

I sat beside the window wishing you would pass by

Luckily you did and gave me that look

I rushed outside waiting for you to return

But reality tells me the lamp lights are on.

I had my dinner alone

I stared at the unlit candle in the middle of the table

Then magical things happened

Candles lit

Fragrance of wine

Shades of red

Petals from the window

And there you are

Sitting in front of me

I looked into your eyes

But in a wink

You’re gone…

I go to the sink and brush my teeth

I saw your reflection in the mirror

You’re walking towards me

Giving me that look

My mouth was kept wide open

But the taste of the menthol tells me you’re not there.

I go to the bathroom and cry

Did I ever crossed your mind

Like you do?

I go to bed and lay myself to sleep

Praying that in my dream you would come

But the tear in my eye let me realize its insanity.

Then my phone rings

Your name on the display

Was it real or it’s just me imagining?
But the knock outside tells me it is real

I answer the phone and you’re there on the other end

Asking me to walk around the village

I put on my pants and my jacket and rushed outside.

There you are, still wearing the dress you wore when you passed by

I closed my eyes for a moment

Expecting you’ll be gone the moment I open it

But there you are standing, smiling

I walk towards you looking deep into your eyes.

There is something in your eye that move my veins,

They make my heart beat fast

I am excited

I shiver

Still looking through you

I’m falling

I’m breaking

I’m crying

I’m dying

There is something in your eyes that made me realize

That you don’t see me

But still, I kept smiling

Then you spoke “Hello!”

Then shared the great time you had

And the love you’ve felt for someone who’s not me…

Just call me LEK

You don’t get to call me by my first name with authority

If you’re not my parents

You don’t get to call me “Ngek”

If you’re not my sister

You don’t get to call me by my last name

If you’re not my professor nor my superior

You don’t get to call me “Lek”

If you’re not my friend

You don’t get to call me “bitter”

If you don’t know

How I planned to become sweet

You don’t get to call me “liar”

If you don’t know

How I patched things up to protect

You don’t get to call me “naïve”

If you don’t know

How I gone through my experience

You don’t get to call me “broken”

If you don’t know

How I put up the pieces

You don’t get to call me “selfish”

If you don’t know

How I shared myself

You don’t get to call me “heartbreaker”

If you don’t know

How I mend

You don’t get to call me “loser”

If you don’t know

How I played

You don’t get to call me “slave”
If you don’t know

Who my master is

You don’t get to call me whatever you would like to call me

If you don’t know

How I live

Because you would get to call me “LEK”

If you knew how I live.

Heres a repost of my previous entry way back november 2005...

MGA KWENTO NI PRE
( it’s a replay, no! it’s a trilogy )


I
THE DISTANCE BETWEEN PARALLEL LINES


Every person always has something to share,
Each is destined to be with someone.
But how could we know?
And pa’no kaya sya mahahanap?
Sa Department Store?
Sa Simbahan?
Sa Mall?
O sa daan?
Saan nga kaya?

Paano mo din malalaman kung sino?
Sa dinami-dami ba naman nang nakilala mo,
Hindi kaya yung kausap ko kanina?
O baka yung katabi ko sa jeep?
Sino nga kaya?

Kinakailangan bang mag-intersect ang paths nyo?
Tama ba?!!
O mag- perpendicular?
Malabo ba pag parallel?
Pero mas gusto ko yata pag-parallel.
Bakit ko nasabi?
Kasi, kaya yun i-compute…
Tama!!!
Co-computin ko.

First, get the difference between your characteristics,
Para mag-cancel ang magkapareho.
Dun kasi lalabas yung individuality.
Then I-divide mo ung sagot sa square root ng good qualities mo
Then raise it to the 2nd power at i-add mo yung sa kanya naman
Also raised it to the 2nd power.
Ngayun kung ang lalabas na sagot ay masyadong malayo.
Forget it!
But I the answer is enough to reach her hand,
Kaboom!!! Jackpot!!!

Eto nga kaya yung kailangan ko,
O eto lang yung gusto ko?
Ayaw kong mag-intersect lang ang paths namin
Kasi eventually maghihiwalay din.
So mabuti pa pag-parallel.
In case she turned out to the other direction
Its easy to trace her and win her back!

Sarap siguro nun’,
Naglalakad kang may kahawak kamay
Di man mag-cross landas nyo
But sure ka you are both walking forward in the same direction.

II
THE ASTABLE FLIP FLOP

Enough of daydreaming…
Tama na ang laro…
Tago mo na toys mo.
Enough of “Jimmy Neutron Loves Barbie Fans Club”
You need some action.
If you want to be on the cloud nine
You have o work for it.

First things first
Be prepared.
Bring flowers and chocolates
Wow! Men
That’s too common
I need to have some technique.
Anu-ano nga ba ang mga technique?
Cello technique? Gubangco…. Ewan!
Basta I have to do it on my own.

So dapat may palabas
Just like what Mr. Tucker did to win Ms. Scott back.
O di kaya parang si Christopher Reeves
Na nagtime travel pa to meet Elise McKenna.
Hmmm…
Romantiko…

Daanin ko kaya sa laro
Baka sakaling “Only You” ang labas
Pwede…
Pero ano naman kayang laro?
Aha!!!
1-2-3 pass!

1-2-3 pass!!!
Sakto!!!
Magkapatong kamay naming
Hinaplos ko
Tuminin sya sa akin
Tumingin din ako sa kanya
Nagkaintindihan kami
Ang saya! Hanggang sa pag-uwi!

Dumaan ang ilang linggo
Nagkita kami sa tindahan ng hopia
Usap kami
Tinignan nya ako
Tinignan ko din sya
Nagkaintindihan ulit kami.

Lumipas ang ilang araw
Text-text kami
Minsan sweet ako
Minsan naman K o TY lang reply ko
Nagalit sya!!!
Ano ba daw ako
Minsan on, minsan off
Minsan matagal, minsan mabilis
No stable state daw isip ko!

Eh yun nga yung naisip kong palabas
Paramdam ko sayo na masaya ko pagkasama ka
At alam ko ganun ka din naman,
Gusto ko sana malaman mo ang difference
If I’m out of sight!

Tanga!!!
Ano yun flip technique
Dapat pala
Pinaramdam ko na lagi ako nariyan
Ayaw nya na tuloy!

Pasensya na ha!!!
Bagito lang ako
Huli na nga ako sa biyahe eh!
Hayan tuloy flop agad palabas ko…
Kung naging monostable lang sana ako…
Sayang…

III
THE FREE SPACE LOSS

I am sitting on the porch watching the wind moving the clouds.
I wonder “How can I pin the clouds down?”
Impossible huh?
Sure it is! I know it is!
But I want to lay my back on the clouds
And have a feeling of being on the cloud nine…
Ooops1
Could it be…
Ouch!!!!
What’s that for?
Tang-inang toh! Sinampal ako!
Oo na!!
Alam ko yun!!!

LOVE
“Love is all we need”
As the song goes di ba?

You know what?
I’ve go a lot of love here within me
Pero…
Bakit kaya di nya matanggap?
Does it take a gift of serendipity
Or a forecast of destiny?
Malabo…
Hmm…
Let’s just analayze…

I am like a transmitter
Malakas ang vibration ng dibdib ko
The time it takes to complete one cycle is short lang!
Which makes it in MHz lang instead of GHz.
Pinadala ko ngayon sa hangin
Sabi nga ng Southboarder
“The wind that blows the dove is the wind that blows my love”
pwede na un!!!

Then standing somewhere is my subject receiver
(point-to-point to ha!)
Langya!
Wa epek!
Di daw nya ma-gets!
Di ko naman kayang takbuhin kasi malayo
As in kilometers.
Kahit gano ko stretch legs ko, di pa rin.
Isip ako paraan…
Patok!!!
Dadagdagan ko ang powers ko!
Hehehe!!!
Hetong sa’yo!!!
Ano?!!
Pucha!!!
Ala pa din…

Nakakalungkot naman
Dinadala lang pala ng hangin…
Hangin lang pala nakakaalam
Sabihin man nya sa iba baka puno lang ang matuwa
Meron nga palang free space loss…

Kung kaya ko lang umakyat ng tower at sumigaw
Gagawin ko…
Pero kailangan munang babaan ang sensitivity mo
Di kasi kinakaya ng powers ko!

Well yesterday is Mother's Day...

Happy Mothers Day ulit Nay.

I just want to thank you for being so wonderful.
Million thanks was not enough...
You deserve far more than that...

Thank you.
Thank you for being there everytime we needed you...
Thank you for being our number 1 fan...
Thank you for never getting tired praparing for breakfast, lunch, dinner and even snacks.
You made it you're daily routine.
Thank you for making us full.
Thank you for making us feel so special.
Thank you for making us feel protected... safe...
Thank you for making us feel needed... wanted...
Thank you for making us feel loved.
Thanks to God for those hands that are so comforting...
Thanks to God for the voice so soothing, humming me lullabies...
Thanks to God for you 'Nay.

Thanks for your love, so unconditional, so pure.

I also want to say SORRY for all the pain I caused you.
There are things that we just dont agree that leads to arguments...
And everytime that happens, I really feel so bad for making you sad...
I really wanted to run to you, hug you, kiss you...
I will always be your baby...
Nothings gonna change that...
But i have to grow...
There are things that I have to do on my own...
And you are still part of those things...
Need not to worry.

I am sorry for not being the perfect son you want me to be...
Im not sure if i really tried but in my heart of hearts you are loved.
I am sorry for insisting to change the tv channel and sayingthe talk show doesnt worth it. Promised myself it will never happen but i cant help it...
I am sorry for putting the headset on and listen to my music alone
only to find out you're playing my old cd's.
Guess you enjoyed us listening to that songs together before...
Sorry for getting mad whenever Im in front of these pc or laptop and ask me to sleep...
Sorry for not wanting to sleep beside you most of the time...
I know Im bad.

Sorry for making you nervous whenever I got sick...
I know i always needed a doctor ever since...
but we all dont want you to worry...
Sorry for telling you a lie that I need to stay in the hospital for the checkup
only to see me unconcious the following day...
Ate told me that you were very nervous, the same time the operation was held,
even without knowing it was actually taking place...
God knows, i want to feel your hands during that time but i dont want you to see me ill...
Im calling your name... but i dont know if you can handle it.
I know you cried river of tears, cause when i opened my eyes,
you close yours for a moment and ask me very bravely how i was.
Thank you, finally you're there, i felt safe.
Sorry cause I have to wear the bondage around my head.
Sorry cause you have to see blood coming from my right ear...
Sorry for not taking good care of myself, the one that you treated like a delicate flower.

You are our nanay.
You cry first even before our very fisrt tear when we're in pain.
You are the proud one whenever we achieved something.
You are our emotions.
You are our songs.
You are our light.
Just dont think we dont see you...
I have lots of plans for you and tatay and of course my ate's...
I just couldnt say it cause I might mislead you...
I dont know if i can make it...
all i know is that i want you to see everything
......all the beauty life can bring.

whatever happens...
I will always be your baby...
You will always be loved by tatay, ate dessie, ate debbie, ate dexxie and me,
also by those people who you learn to love
and by those kids who treated you as their real grandmother.

You are the best!
And if God allows us to go back here on earth when our time passes,
I will search the world to see you, i will give you and bring you all the things you loved,
i will bring you tatay, so you will bear your three girls
and after that i will insist to God to make me be your fourth baby.

In that,
WE WILL ALWAYS HAVE EACH OTHER.
WE WILL ALWAYS BE TOGETHER.

its been 3 yrs, 1 mo, and 7 days since ive started this blog...

i use to fill it since then but stopped at a certain time...
deleted all of my entries...

now im back!!!


eager to share my thoughts...
if there's someone reading this right now...
thanks much.


we'll be together...
from this day on.

LEKS SONG

Lost in the darkest middle
Everything seems so strange
Knees do nothing but tremble
Light cannot make a change
Exchanging my cards to gamble
Killing my thoughts away
Love Expects so many Kisses
LOVE PLEASE GET INTO MY WAY.

Living this lonely hour
Enchanted fairy tales
Keepsakes from my every dream
Loving from midnight till four
Earnest to have something real
Knocking to have some more
Love Expects so many Kisses
LOVE MAKE ME WAIT NO MORE.

Laughter can cure me once
Evanescent like our time
Knowing you are the one
Life that i only breathe
Essential like the rain
Ken are widened so you can see me
Love Expects so many Kisses
LOVE MAKE HER EYES GLIMPSE ON ME.

Love Expects so many Kisses
Love Embraces someone to Keep
Love sometimes Ends with Kisses
Love sometimes Ends with a Kiss

Listening to the sound
Embracing the melody
Keeping the keys around
Love's gonna dance with me
Expecting you will be found
Kissing a fool like me.